Red Light , Green Light

Whining, throwing fits, defying, not cleaning up, not listening, blah blah blah. It's life with kiddos, right? Since I posted "Operation Mommy Stop Yelling" on our family page, I've gotten several emails asking about the stop light.

First and foremost, the stop light works because it's a visual for the children. Kids need that. It's hard for them to remember what happened five seconds ago in terms of behavior, so seeing something visual helps remind them.

You can make the stop light how ever you want. We put ours on the fridge and made magnets with each child's initial on it. You'll notice Everleigh does not have one. She's too young for this...redirection is the method that works best at this point for her.

This is how the stop light works in our house:

Every day, you start on green. Green means that you are behaving as expected. We use lots of praise for being on green. You can also provide a reward for staying on green all day. We don't do that in our house because I'm a mean mom because green is expected, but for some families with more severe behavior issues, rewarding with something for all day on green is a good idea.

Yellow is a warning. I say to my children, "If you don't stop ___, then I will place you on yellow." If they do (or don't do) it, then I move the magnet. You HAVE to follow through! Do not continue to warn them or threaten them. This is why you have the stop light in the first place...so you can stop yelling/nagging/reminding them! One warning is enough. The more warnings you give, the more opportunities they have to test you.

If they misbehave again, you calmly place them on red. Typically, the sheer fact that the magnet (or whatever) is moved to red is devastating enough. However, you need to have a plan in place as to what happens when they get to red. And most importantly, they need to understand what this is and what this means before you start with this system.

For us, red means either sitting in a time out, getting something taken away, or not being able to do something fun.

I'm a huge believer in natural and logical consequences (post on that soon--it's my favorite discipline technique)--- so I find a consequence that is as closely tied to the misbehavior as possible.

If they aren't playing nicely with a toy-- I'd take the toy away.
If they are hitting-- I'd place them in a time out.
If they aren't cleaning up-- then I'd take those toys away.
If they are writing a big "H" on the wall (ahem)-- then they'd scrub the wall, and not be able to use pencil's for the rest of the day.

Do you see how the consequence is directly linked to the misbehavior in most cases? And when you can't link it, like sassing, hitting, etc, then I give a time out.

You can choose whatever consequence works best for your family, as long as you always follow through! Well, not whatever. Slapping them across the face really isn't a good idea, even if you do feel like it.
Again, the less yelling and negotiating, the better. DO NOT ask your child if they want to be placed on yellow or red. Give them a choice--- you stop doing ___ (or do ____ ) OR you will be placed on red. They decide if they want to make the "right" choice, and you follow through on what they decide.

Tonight, after two poor choices, Mad Mike's magnet looked like this.

And he had to sit in a time out. And to my surprise, he completed the time out and then apologized to us for taking his underwear off, whipping them at his dad, and yelling NO!

You might find that the stop light works for a period of time. We typically keep ours up for a couple of months, then we take it down for a while. When I find myself feeling frustrated, I put it back up. Yes, it's a tool for children to visually see their behavior, but it's also a tool to guide parents as well.

If I didn't answer your questions about the stop light, just leave me a comment and I'll do my best!
Good luck and I hope it helps!

~Brook

What's in my bag?

Noun
purse (plural purses)

1. A small bag for carrying money.
   • 1550 Mierdman, Steuen, The market or fayre of usurers

     And then muſt many a man occupie as farre as his purſe would reache, and ſtretche out his legges accordynge to the length of his couerlet.

2. (US) A handbag (small bag usually used by women for carrying various small personal items)

A SMALL bag for carrying MONEY?!?! Hmmm, Mama Bergie definitely is not adhering to definition number one.

Number two, however, seems to be a fit. I use my bag and carry several personal items. Hardly any of which is money.

Here is what my purse looks like today. I know, I know...you were dying to know.

 

 

I have gum. Who doesn't need gum?

 

I also have a progress report from Paisley's speech therapist. I haven't opened it yet. I should probably do that.

 

There's a Paul Frank notebook. I love that thing and am seriously pissed that one of the kids drew on it. I love Paul Frank and I love note paper! Don't mess with me!

 

And...an invitation to a birthday party from a child in Paisley's class. She's going to the party tomorrow. I don't usually just carry around random kid's invitations. 

NEXT...

Glasses. I hate wearing my glasses, and then I love to complain that I can't see. I'm not blind or anything, but people's faces are super blurry to me. At least I carry them with me. I think that counts for something.

I have a baggie 'o wipes. I'm a mother, hello!! Although I love it that recently when I went on a little long road trip with 3 kids, my sister in law and my mother in law...the first one to need the wipes was my MIL. :)

I guess I have a pear, in a baggie. Eww. I'm sure I stuck that in there for lunch or a snack or something one day. The bad news, I can't remember when, and had no idea it was in there. The good news, it's not rotten.

And...my wallet. Plum full of receipts and junk.

NEXT... (yup, still more!)

A rubber band. Ya never know when you'll just need to throw your hair up!

I have texting gloves. A gift from my sister in law. Love them. How in the H do they work? It's like magic! I would love to take these out any day now though. I'm pretty sick of wearing gloves to text while driving. I kid. I kid.

Nail polish remover. I go crazy when my nails are chipped n stuff. I used to be a nail biter...for like 29 years. Actually, I probably didn't bite my nails when I was an infant/toddler. So we'll say 26 years. Anyway....polish helps me from biting...but now I pick. So the remover comes in pretty handy.

And pens. 4 pens and 1 pencil to be exact. I'm pretty shocked because typically when I clean out my purse, on average I have about 9-10 pens in my purse.


NEXT.... the little compartment inside my purse...

Tampons. Who doesn't need tampons? Does anyone else get really grossed out using tampons that are all wrinkled up from being in your purse? I mean, I get that it's just the wrapper and the tampon is fine...but I just don't like it.

Then lip gloss/stick-- I haven't used that lipstick in like 2 years. I do not know why I keep switching it from purse to purse.

Under eye concealer. I have serious black circles under my eyes. They are gross. Therefore, I carry this with me. Not that it helps.

Mascara, just in case...and an eyelash curler...because I cannot go without it. I feel like I'm dead without my eyelashes curled. And I'm sure I look it too.

Powder. Looks like I need to get some new stuff.

I'm actually quite shocked that I didn't find wrappers and crumpled up receipts in there. And you know what I always have in there that I don't today? A diaper!! That must mean that we are close to getting rid of those puppies!

Purses are interesting. They're really interesting when your children can't say their "R" sound too. "Mommy I love your purse" just doesn't have quite the same ring to it.

Now go clean out your purse...you might have a pear in it!

Ain't nobody...

Really  random stuff I feel like confessing...

I just want to confess that sometimes, I look forward to Monday. Don't get me wrong, by Tuesday I'm dying for the weekend to come to be with the fam. But I'm not gonna lie. Sometimes the car ride to work on a Monday morning, sipping my coffee is bliss. And let me tell you, it's going to be even better now that JT's new album is out. Ob. Sessed.

I wish I was a couponing fanatic. I forget those suckers at home. Or they expire before I can use them. Oh, and I have a hard time buying 75 of something at one time....even if I will use it all up in the next two years. For reals though, I wish I was a extreme couponer. But ain't nobody got time fo dat.

Isn't it amazing how great you feel when you feed your body good food and you workout?! It's so weird. I wish I could force myself to work out after the kids go to bed, but this chick is Tie. Eeeerrd. Ain't nobody...

Easter grass is the devil.

I must confess. I wish I would have married someone with dimples. Babies with dimples are the cutest thing in the world. Unlike dimples in other areas. Those suck big ____  .

I must confess, I deleted the last three words of my last sentence and rewrote them about ten times. Then I decided to delete it one last time and insert a fill in the blank instead. I wish I didn't have to be a responsible adult. I can't be second guessing what I want to say. Ain't nobody got time fo dat.

21 things I've learned as a mom

What I've learned as a mom...

1) Don't compare, just be aware! Don't compare your child with his/her siblings or your friend's kids. But BE AWARE. We all think our child is perfect, which prevents some parents from really seeing when things aren't typical. So be observant!  

 

2) Time outs are more effective for parents than children. I love a time out. Time outs go with age, right?! So I should be able to give myself a 31 minute time out. I can't wait to misbehave! But for real, getting a few minutes alone can save a child's life! ;)

3) Twin toddler boys just might be the death of you. OR, at the least, they are good for wrinkles and bags under your eyes. I guess what I've learned is that twin toddler boys make a mom OLD. 

 

4) Your doctor is not a baby-God. Listen to what they say, trust your gut, and do what you feel is best. I promise you that doctors know a lot about the medical side of things, and not as much about 'parenting'. What your doctor says is not the end all be all.

 

5) If your daughter's hair pretty doesn't match her outfit, shoes, undies and coat, the world is not going to end. Yes, people judge you by your children, but it really doesn't matter. 

 

6) The grass isn't always greener on the other side, but it's okay to dream about it. Everyone tells you to live in the moment and cherish the time because before you know it, it's gone. I totally agree. But it's also okay to dream about life with no tantrums, no potty training and no bed time battles. Sure, different struggles will come and you might wish for the younger years back--but you are not a bad parent when you wish for a stage to be over.

7) Whole and 2% Milk curdles really fast. Especially when you have frickin' Houdini's in the house and you find sippies weeks later. Not fun. Those, just toss. It's worth paying $5 for a new sippy.

 

8) It might be hard in the beginning, but it will be easier in the end. This thought applies to everything. Parent like this. In an upside down triangle.

 Set rules and guidelines now, and stick with them. As your child grows, you can loosen the reigns a bit. This is, after you've instilled values, morals, limits... and taught them that you mean what you say. Continue to put vegetables on their plate every single meal. Set up the bedtime routine you want for the future. It's kind of like when they say, dress for the job you want, not the job you have. Parent now, for the kids you want later. 

 

9) Sleep is amazing and I miss it. With all of my heart.

10) Your love of belting out profanity lyrics while bumping in your sweet ride is forever gone. However, mumbling profanity while your children bump each other in the back of the stupid mini van is not gone. I think it's here to stay forever.

11) Single Parents are amazeballs. I couldn't do it alone. Or if I did, I would be way more crabby and my kids wouldn't ever have clean clothes, that's for sure!

12) You do not need to spend $1000 on your baby's crib and changer. You get really mad when they chew on it and leave marks allllll over it. (Yes, mom. You can say 'I told you so')

 

This is one of my all time favs.

 

 

 

13) The way you speak to your children is the way they will speak to you. Period

14) Poop doesn't get better with age. Nor does vomit. But it is a good day when your child figures out how to get both of those inside the toilet.

 

15) Grandparents are amazing. They mean the world to your child, and your child means the world to them. Even though it might drive you crazy, being with them as much as you can is great for them both.

 

16) Let me just follow #15 with, your child will not get sick from not wearing a hat. Grandparents love to tell you that.

 

17) Brushing your child's teeth can look abusive. As can diaper changes at times. Or getting them dressed.

 

18) No matter how hard you try, there is no perfect work/home balance. Some days, I think about work more than my children. There are other days when they are the only thing on my mind.

19) Never try the meat baby food. Never. Unless you like eating ass. Then go for it.

20) A carpet cleaning machine is essential. Those should be standard on a baby registry. So should cleaning ladies. They should get those at Target and Babies R Us. I'd totally give that as a gift. And accept it too.

21) (My favorite number, which is why I just couldn't stop at 20). There is no greater gift in life. No greater love. I love being a mom.
 

Little Thoughts Inside My Head

I wrote a post a little while back about all of the things we said we'd never do as parents.

 But what about those tiny little thoughts in your head that say,
"I'm so glad my child doesn't do that!"
"I'm so glad I don't have to deal with a child like that!"
and my favorite, "I'm so glad my child doesn't act that way!"

Come on, I know I'm not the only one who thinks those things!

Without getting into my professional life too much...in my role, I advocate for positive parenting practices. I like to think I know a lot about children...and parenting them. I'm a confident parent. And I almost always can figure out how to deal with my children (and everyone elses too). And with that said... I will now take my foot out of my mouth.

I've talked with a bazillion parents who are struggling with their children. I help them the best I can, and then think, "WHEW, I'm so glad my kids aren't like that!" You know the Super Nanny?! Yah. That's me. Only I'm not British and I am obsessed with Justin Timberlake. OMG, SNL this weekend?!!! I'm still flustered over him. Ooops, I digress. Back to me, the Super Nanny. As I work with parents who really struggle, I have always felt really good about my parenting skills and the way my children behave.

However. Over the last few weeks, I have found myself questioning so many things! Number one, I never thought my child would wipe his own poo on the walls at three years old. I never thought that my child (whose name will remain nameless but beings with a M) would still be ripping up pages in books at three years old!!
What did I do wrong? Because, again at nap time, today...I found this.

Hey, I get it. I understand that parenting has 5,947,437 challenges. I'm up for them. I just think it's ironic how up until now, I've been in control. I have never once felt like I couldn't handle any power struggle, tantrum, time out,  poop smearing, bronzer smearing, butt paste smearing, vaseline smearing, glue smearing, toothpaste smearing (Dear Lord twins are hard!) situation I've encountered.

This week, I gave a presentation to UW Madison Medicine 3rd year residents. These residents will become family practice doctors or pediatricians in the next year. They're kind of a big deal. Each year, I teach them about discipline and potty training. I prepare them for the questions parents will ask them.

So as I talked about tantrums, one of the doctors asked me how I would handle a child having a tantrum in the store. I gave him the answer, and then immediately thought to myself------

WOW...I have never had one of my children through a tantrum in the store. Ever. My kids sit in the cart. They don't scream for toys. They behave. I've trained them well, followed a schedule, and they have never thrown a fit in a store for me. Deep down inside, I was pretty proud of myself.

So those thoughts, like the one I mentioned above.....they've got to stop. Because guess what happened today when I took all four kids to the grocery store.

 

My lovely three year old screamed and cried and 'walked' on his knees through crowds of people because his drink from the water fountain wasn't long enough. People stopped. People starred. And what did the "professional" do? I got out my camera, duh. Somehow, I forgot to mention that piece to the resident doctors.

 

From now on, every time I hear a horror story about a child. I'm just going to think, "I KNOW that will happen to me someday, and this is my plan..."

 

Because clearly, the second I think my kids shit doesn't stink, they wipe it on the walls.

 

 

XOXO,

Bergie Bunch Mama

Motherhood is not for sissies

Out of all of my friends, I'm probably the one who can handle gross stuff the most. Not a whole lot gets my tummy turning. I can hear stories about pretty much anything...even when I'm eating. But I'm the minority. Most of my friends pass out at the talk of a paper cut, never mind discussing child birth and baby blowouts. Once, my friend actually threw up because of the smell of a fart. True story. (although she may or may not have been intoxicated at the time) And now she's a mom, cleaning up poop-galore. Although she still gags doing that! :)

So what happens when you become a mom? You instantly have to suck it up. Motherhood is not for sissies. You have to clean up poop that has trailed up the back and down the legs. And you have to clean up puke rolling around in their crib. You wipe butts and you dig crusted old food out of everywhere. You scoop poop from the bathtub and you wipe more snot that you ever thought possible. You may even have to assist your child in getting their own poop out. That brings back some memories. Fun. But you do what you've gotta do. Being a mom is so gross. Ugh, I just thought of something! I can handle poop and snot, but I cannot handle chewed up gum. We aren't really to the gum chewing stage yet...but I better not see gum sitting on one of my children's plates...GAG!!!

The minute you have your child, you have to throw your sissy pants out the window. Because Motherhood is not for sissies. When I had Paisley, my mom got me this book.

 

It quotes a whole bunch of people who have children. Before I was a mom, I loved the quote, "parenting is the hardest job you'll ever love"...but I think it should say "parenting is the hardest volunteer work you'll ever love". You get paid for a job, fools. I'm pretty sure the only thing I'm getting paid in here is dishes, laundry and stress. Oh wait...I get paid in hugs too. Those are almost as good as money. Almost.

 

As I re-read this book this week, I related hard core to this one...

If you think for one second that nothings going on here...it means someones up to trouble. If it sounds like somethings going on here...somethings going on. Someone is always crying. Someone is always needing 'milkies'. Someone is always into something they shouldn't be. And someone (ME) is always tired. It's never ever dull here. And now thanks to Taylor Swift, every time I type 'never ever', I throw in a little weeeeeE are never, ever, ever, getting back together. And then I want to punch myself in the face.

Morale of the story--

 

And given the circumstances some days, it looks like I've done a really good job. Which means, I am not a sissy.

 

Blogger's Remorse

Have you ever said something to someone that you wished you wouldn't have said? I told you before that one thing I dislike about myself is my inability to just not say anything at all!! The same applies to blogging. Sometimes I write things that are just stupid. And lame. Or sometimes my husband says I swear too much. Or sometimes I write a whole post that's really negative....and then it haunts me for days on end. (like the last one) I think about what the post said and who I may have offended. When you blog, you end up publishing posts that reflect your attitude at that moment, and sometimes that's good, and sometimes it's bad.

 

 I even have bloggers remorse about starting 'confessions'. Do I really want the whole world to know what I'm thinking? And do they really care? But more so, do I actually have the time to put in to two blogs? Shake your head no. Because I don't.

 

I love writing. I love sharing my experiences as mama of the Bergie Bunch. I love blogging. But I wonder if it's time to just combine the two? Or stop confessions? Hmmm. Here I go again, thinking out loud, which often gets me in trouble. As does thinking too much. Which I pretty much have a PhD in.
I so appreciate the positive feedback from readers. I just want to make sure I'm not creating confessions to bitch about how hard being mama Bergie is. Because, it is hard. But it's also really fun too. I wouldn't change it for one second. Well...actually one second would be good. But that's about it. 2 seconds with out my Dramatic Miss P, Sensitive Hudders, Crazy Mad Mike and Silly Baby E would kill me.

Love from the B Bunch,
Mama
 

Good for you!

I'm so happy for you! I see that you did 729 crafts with your child last night and posted every last one on FB. I, on the other hand, had great intentions. We got out the paint, and yeah...it went downhill from there. It's about process not product, people. DUH.
 

 

I'm so glad you were able to get your two hour work out in, eat your salad, and stick to your diet all day. I too, was ready to workout and eat healthy all day. Then I realized that my name is Brook. And I love to eat. And I think about food 99% of the day.

 

I'm so happy you two were able to get away on your trip to Hawaii! What a wonderful way to spend time together! I spent time with my husband too! Yesterday, when he walked by me, grabbed my boob, and said, Good night. I haven't seen him yet today.

 

What a wonderful thing...you planned meals for the whole week for your family on Sunday night. Sunday night is meant for blogging. Because if I don't, I get death threat emails from my bestie and my family. Plan away, biotches.

 

You got a new puppy! How sweet!! I have a puppy too. He's 8 1/2 and he has allergies and ear issues that cause us to spend a billion dollars on him each month. I'm so busy I sometimes forget to feed him and he licks himself raw. But don't you worry. My dog is cuter than yours. 

 

I love your polish and your gel nails! Very Pretty! I use to get my nails done too! Three years ago. Now, I buy $.99 polish and paint them at night. When my nails are wet, I can't eat. So I do about 6 coats until I have to go to bed and then they get effed up from my sheets.

 

You download every learning app on your ipad for your children? What a great mom you are! I don't have an ipad. End of story.

 

Your child is doing some reading and they aren't even in Kindergarten yet?! WOW! So is mine. Boom.

The real story is that sometimes, people throw themselves a good ol' pity party because of this crap. I may or may not be super jealous of the Hawaii going, nails always done, crafting freaks. Sometimes I think, UGH, I wish that was me! And sometimes I'm really okay with the life I live. The fact that people only post what they want you to see (on social media sites) can really mess with a person's mind. Luckily, most of the time...I can get it together and talk behind their backs (kidding. or not)...and realize that I have nothing to prove to anyone. Anyone except myself. And the good news is that the majority of the time, I like me. I definitely don't like my body or my stubby fingers or my seven chins or the black bags under my eyes. I'd love to be able to think before I speak more often, and have more patience. But in general, I like me.

So, good for you, for being so awesome! I'm my own kind of awesome.